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Preface:
We all have people who inspire us, people we look up to and
those we hope to be like someday. There are many in the
automotive world who fit this bill for me and if I tried to list
them I would be here all day.
There is one man that I have been reading for years, and his
column "Side Glances" in Road & Track magazine every month have
never failed to inform and entertain me by injecting humor into
truth. These are the kind of simple truths that anyone who has
ever worked on their own car or house knows the pain and rewards
that we find in our workshops and garages.
If you have read this list before I hope you still enjoy it, and
if not then put your coffee or drink down now before you spew it
out in laughter.
Peter Egan is an automotive writing legend in my opinion and I
hope I get to meet him someday, but for now, sit back and enjoy
one of his timeless classics.
"Explanation
of your Shop Tools"
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- !'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely
round off boltheads. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want
to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that
more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside
of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals underlids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the
name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
S.O.B. TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling 'S-O-B!' at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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